Sutton Women's Centre
What is domestic abuse?
Domestic abuse is any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (which can take a number of different forms including psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional) between adult partners or family members, regardless of gender or sexuality. According to Women’s Aid, one in four women will experience domestic abuse during their lives and sadly, an average of 2 women per week die due to domestic violence.
Sutton Women’s Centre is a key provider of domestic abuse support to women who live or work in the London Borough of Sutton. We offer support to women who have experienced any form of domestic violence. Our domestic violence services include the Freedom Programme (a support group aimed at survivors of domestic abuse) and counselling. We also offer advocacy and a range of social, creative and holistic courses and activities, to help women rebuild their confidence and self esteem, reduce isolation and make new friends in a relaxed and friendly setting. All of our services are confidential and non-judgemental.
Controlling behaviour is at the centre of all domestic abuse, whether it is physical or emotional. Controlling behaviour is where a current, ex-partner or family member controls your life so you’re dependant, or subordinate to them. They do this by isolating you from your support network including your family, friends, money and work.
Isolation means you won’t have the support you need to stop the abuse and escape.
Coercive behaviour is where violence, intimidation, threat and humiliation is used to harm, punish or frighten. This includes so called ‘honour’ based abuse, such as forced marriage and female genital mutation. It is not limited to one gender or ethnic group.
Emotional abuse can include:
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Pressure tactics so an abuser can get what they want
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Sulking
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Constant criticism – e.g. being told you are useless, ugly or worthless
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Threats to kill or harm you, your children or your pets
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Threats to self-harm or kill themselves
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Threats to take the children away or report you to Children’s Services or the police
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Embarrassing you in public
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Intimidation and bullying
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Being locked in or kept in isolation away from family and friends
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Not being allowed money, food, sleep or freedom
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Stalking and harassing you especially after separation
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Financial abuse can include:
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Forcing you into debt (credit cards or loans)
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Withholding or forcing you to beg for money
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Not allowing you to earn your own money or have access to joint accounts
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Making you account for any money spent
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Constant monitoring or questioning of your finance
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Stalking is a pattern of unwanted, fixated and obsessive behaviour that causes fear or distress. For example, monitoring, following, contacting or watching someone without their consent.
In the UK, stalking is a criminal offence under the Protection from Harassment Act 1997. You have the right to report stalking to the police and request they apply for a Stalking Protection Order.
Stalking can be used as a form of control by current or former partners – a common tactic is where stalking is used as part of controlling and coercive behaviour and post-separation abuse.
Stalking includes behaviours like:
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Constant messaging/calling
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Showing up/loitering at home or workplace
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Monitoring your location or social media
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Contacting your family, friends or employer
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Sending unwanted gifts
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Using technology to track you (e.g. tracking devices and listening devices).
What to do if you are being stalked?
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Trust your instincts and inform your friends and support services about your concerns
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Use an app like the Hollie Guard app so you can quickly alert your support network if and when you feel threatened
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Log incidents/messages (using an app like Kulpa)
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Consider installing a ring-doorbell and create alternative ‘safe routes’ to destinations you travel regularly
Support groups include:
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National Stalking Helpline – Suzy Lamplugh Trust
Cyber Stalking
Cyber Stalking is the use of the internet and digital technologies to harass, intimidate, or stalk an individual, causing them distress and fear.
Cyber Stalking involves repeated and persistent online harassment that can take various forms, including:
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Harassment: Sending unwanted and intrusive messages through emails, social media, or text messages.
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Monitoring: Tracking the victim’s online activities, including their social media posts and location.
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Impersonation: Creating fake accounts to impersonate the victim or share embarrassing information about them.
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Threats: making threats of physical harm or other forms of intimidation
Cyber Stalking is a serious issue that can have significant legal and psychological consequences for victims. It is essential for individuals to be aware of their online safety and take steps to protect themselves from potential cyber stalkers.
Measures should be taken to help ensure you’re secure online (update passwords, check for tracking apps, review privacy settings). If you need help in protecting yourself online there are specialists who can help, including:
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Examples of Physical abuse can include
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Slapping
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Punching
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Pinching
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Beating
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Kicking
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Assault with a weapon
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Strangulation
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Suffocation
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Destroying your possessions
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Psychological abuse is the regular and deliberate use of words and non-physical actions to manipulate, hurt, weaken or frighten a person and to distort, confuse or influence their thoughts and actions. It is also referred to as emotional abuse.
Victims of psychological abuse may also experience physical violence, though they don’t always. But it can be just as harmful.
Signs of psychological abuse
It can be hard to spot the signs of psychological abuse. People who perpetrate psychological abuse may behave differently in public and private. And victims may not understand that what they’re experiencing is abuse.
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Psychological abuse includes things like:
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Gaslighting, or making someone question their own thinking or understanding of reality.
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Shifting the blame to the victim, for example by presenting insults as a joke.
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Criticism, humiliation or put-downs.
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Silent treatment.
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Controlling who someone can speak to, meet or spend time with.
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Suggesting the victim is mentally unstable.
The abuse involves a pattern of manipulation and grooming designed to lure someone into, or back to, a relationship. It often starts with love bombing – overwhelming someone with constant communication, compliments and loving actions and behaviour. It’s then usually followed by dosing, or small or temporary revivals (or doses) of attention and affection. This slowly desensitises a victim’s natural reaction to abusive behaviour.
Psychological abuse can happen in person or online. People perpetrating abuse will often use technology to threaten and control their victim, or to harass and stalk them.
Perpetrators will also take advantage of any vulnerabilities a survivor may have. For example, they may threaten to have someone with mental ill-health sectioned. They may also use children to threaten or control their victim.
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Many people we support have experienced sexual assault or rape. We understand that it can feel embarrassing or shameful to talk about, but this is not your fault or your shame to carry.
Some people do not realise that what they have been subjected to is sexual assault or rape. People come to us with various needs, whether that is helping to report, seek medical help, find contraceptive or pregnancy advice, or counselling support.
Sexual abuse can include being:
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Forced to have sex against your will
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Made to perform acts that you are not happy with
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Forced to watch or make pornography or take pornographic pictures
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Forced to have sex with or in front of other people
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Degraded on the basis of your sexual orientation
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Refusing to use contraception
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It is helpful to understand what consent is. Consent is not ongoing and needs to be asked for every time any new form of sexual activity takes place, even if it is with an existing or previous sexual partner. A person consents if they agree by choice and have the freedom and capacity to make that choice.
Consent is not simply agreement. Someone may agree, however, without the freedom to say yes or no and the capacity to say yes or no, (‘saying’ here refers to both verbal and nonverbal forms of communication) there is no consent.
Children 12 years and under are held as not having the capacity to legally consent to any form of sexual activity. As such, regardless of whether agreement is given, all sexual contact with a child 12 years or under is automatically non-consensual.
The legal age of consent is 16 for both men and women. This is the legal age regardless of the gender or sexual orientation and whether the activity is between people of the same of different sex. This means it is an offence for anyone to have any sexual activity with a person under the age of 16. It is important to note, however, that the Home Office guidance is clear there is no intention to prosecute teenagers under the age of 16 where they are of a similar age and there is mutual consent.
It is also an offence for a person aged 18 or over to have any sexual contact with a person under the age of 18 if the older person holds a position of trust (for example a teacher or key worker).
A person accused of rape needs to prove not just that they believed in consent, but that this belief was reasonable.
The onus here is not on giving of consent, but is on getting of consent. That is, the offence is committed when someone cannot prove that they took reasonable steps to check whether someone else was consenting to what was happening. The most reasonable step to take to ascertain consent is to ask.
This legal standard of reasonableness means that if for example, someone was drunk to the point they were not making much sense, or they appeared indifferent or unresponsive, then it would not be considered reasonable to believe that they wanted to have sex.
Recent guidance from the Crown Prosecution Service states that all the circumstances at the time of an offence will be looked at in deciding whether it is reasonable for the perpetrator to claim they believed the survivor consented.
People will be considered most unlikely to have agreed to sexual activity if they were subject to threats or fear of serious harm, unconscious, drugged, abducted, asleep, or were unable to communicate because of a disability.
Penile penetration of the vagina, anus or mouth without consent is rape. This applies whether the people involved know each other, are currently or have been previously in a relationship, or are total strangers.
What to do if you are experiencing domestic abuse or are worried about someone else?
If you have experienced sexual or domestic violence or abuse, the effects can be devastating and long-lasting. A traumatic event or exposure to long-term abuse can impact on your capability to lead a normal life – both emotionally and socially.
You may be physically hurt, suffering emotional difficulties and feeling overwhelmed. You may not know who to turn to for support. You may want to report the crime against you but not know where to start. In these situations, it’s important that you are able to reach out for help, to someone you can trust.
Local Support
There are a range of local support services to help you
Transform Domestic Violence One-Stop-Shop
Free drop-in service for people experiencing domestic violence in Sutton offering advice and support from a range of professionals (including an Independent Domestic Violence Advocate (IDVA), police, Citizens Advice Bureau and a solicitor). If you are unable or prefer not to attend the One Stop Shop, you can call Transform on 020 8092 7569 for advice and support.
Rape Crisis South London
Phone 0808 802 9999
www.rasasc.org.uk
Rape Crisis are based in Croydon and provide support to women who have survived any form of sexual violence.
Not Alone in Sutton
This website has advice and information, including local services, for women who have, or who are, experiencing domestic abuse.